Soo I spent an hour reading your xanga posts haha. How lame of me. Got me thinking maybe I should start writing more. Envious of how you tracked your life so well. But anyways, the only thing on my mind right now: mm..hope I don't become your past cause your words from before sound a lot like the words you say to me now haha. But I'm not worried.

I get this aching feeling in my chest every time. I hate it. I hate feeling like this.

So I got nothing to do, bored as usual. And you brought up blogging so I decided to write one. I went back and saw a blog post you wrote for me a long time ago, when we first started dating.

"You know I never experienced the death of a loved one until recently and I really appreciate your comforting presence. Actually, you're always there, especially when I'm in need of a good ranting session"

When I read those lines, it made me kind of sad. "You're always there." I don't know when it began or how it did, but I've always been falling asleep on you since I could remember. And I know those are the times you are down and need company. I'm not mad you talked with another guy late at night and that he sang to you until you fell asleep. If anything, when you told me that, I was mad at myself. Lately, everytime I wake up in the morning, I've felt like shit. Same thought every morning "...I fell asleep on her again...when..how?".."I wonder what she did after I fell asleep.." But like every morning, I'd start off texting you with a cheery mood pretending everything is fine...

I'm sorry. And I know sorry doesn't amount to anything by now. All those times I failed being there.

Last night, we finally had a long conversation. (even if I woke up with a bad headache) I liked it. I missed conversations like those. It's rare you would spill your heart out and that's only because I've been falling asleep. I realize what I've been missing. I always say that you have this shield up and you never let me in, but I'm here when you do. Except..I haven't been here. I imagine all those times I fell asleep on you, if I didn't..we might have had conversations similar to last night.

I know how lucky I am to have someone like you. I'm sure if it was any other girl, they would have given up on me by now because I wasn't there for them. Maybe that's why I've been having those dreams of you leaving. It's been in the back of my mind for awhile. I don't know how to fix this, but I try my hardest not to doze off..I really do suck.

So you just sent me your xanga page. I'm looking through it and it's like I'm going through your mind. No one can waver your affection for me? See, the thing is, I don't want to be that boyfriend where you only want to stay with because you wasted so much time and effort on already. Thinking that it'd be a waste to start anew with someone else, someone who doesn't have those bad habits. I want to be that boyfriend who can be your pillar, who can comfort and support you whenever you need it. For you to need to go to someone else for attention because I haven't been able to give it to you...I screwed up so bad.

I'll pick up my slack. I don't want to end nights halfway anymore, I don't want to wake up feeling shitty for what I did either. I don't want you to have to go to someone else for attention because I can't give it to you. I know these are just words, and if I don't show it to you, it'd just be bs. but I love you dear, you made this year special because you let me into your life. I won't screw that up. You deserve so much more.