At times, all I need is some encouragement or someone to side with me. Instead, you shoot me down harder. I have a Vietnamese midterm tomorrow, I tell you I don't feel confident on it and I'm obviously frustrated already, I don't need you to tell me "you don't listened to me  when I'm trying to help build you a stronger foundation." Honestly, all I needed was a good luck or I believe in you kind of shit. But okay.

11 months

I say I don't care anymore (to a certain point) but you still cross lines. Our talks don't mean anything. You don't get it at all.

I can't sleep. I don't know why I've been getting headaches lately. I feel assured when I'm physically with you. You say a lot of things to assure me when I talk to you. But...I don't think this uncomfortable feeling will ever go away. At least I don't think YOU can ever make it go away. It's just how you are. I really think it's unfair for you when I feel like this but I can't help it. Really doesn't help my headaches either lol.

It's been nearly a year now and despite everything we've been through, I'm glad to have you. I know I screw up a lot and I tell myself I'll change, so I hope you can be there with me while I do. It might not be tomorrow, or next month, or even next year but I will because at the end of the day, I love seeing that beautiful smile of yours and I'll do anything to see it. I love you dear.

Now you'll have something to blackmail me with. dork..

      You're amazing. Jian asked why I'm staying up so late, "Going to wake Nhat up at 2." It's 2 oclock and I wake you up, you ignore me as usual, gives the same no response with a mumble. Then you actually have someone call you to wake you up at 2oclock and talk with him and laugh and smile? All in front of me. Truly amazing. You are unaware of the little things you do that hurt. Then you go straight back to sleep.
        Honestly, it feels like you just disregard me when you talk to other guys. It's like you still like the idea of other guys chasing you, saying you're cute. You'll never get pass that phase even when you are with me. You could have told him that you have your boyfriend to wake you up. You don't ask guys to do things for you, but you don't INSIST for them not to either. When you talk to others, the fact is, I'm not on your mind.
       I understand you're tired. And I have always put you first. I let you do your thing, but I'm sick of putting all my effort into you and getting nothing in return. This might not be a big deal, but shit just adds up. As much as I wanted to go to sleep, I'm wide awake now. Thanks.

Stumbling upon stuff I shouldn't have. Don't know if it's a good or bad thing. I feel sick.

When one of us does wrong, we usually have a good talk after that makes things okay again. But when it's me, in the back of my mind, I know it's never really okay again.

I'm not perfect, I make more mistakes than I want too. I try to make it up to you and apologize. But it's hard when you never forgive. The past always resurfaces because so.Almost like a grudge, if nothing is forgiven, it just builds up. Forgiving is hard when you don't forget, but might be easier to forget if you tried forgiving.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you

Hurts to know I've been completely open with you, but you can't do the same.

I feel bothered just because I shouldn't be. We go over it so many times. I'm assured. And yet because I'm bothered, I manage to ruin a perfectly good night that would have ended on a good note. We haven't had a night that ended well in awhile. What's wrong with me lately..

Soo I spent an hour reading your xanga posts haha. How lame of me. Got me thinking maybe I should start writing more. Envious of how you tracked your life so well. But anyways, the only thing on my mind right now: mm..hope I don't become your past cause your words from before sound a lot like the words you say to me now haha. But I'm not worried.

I get this aching feeling in my chest every time. I hate it. I hate feeling like this.

So I got nothing to do, bored as usual. And you brought up blogging so I decided to write one. I went back and saw a blog post you wrote for me a long time ago, when we first started dating.

"You know I never experienced the death of a loved one until recently and I really appreciate your comforting presence. Actually, you're always there, especially when I'm in need of a good ranting session"

When I read those lines, it made me kind of sad. "You're always there." I don't know when it began or how it did, but I've always been falling asleep on you since I could remember. And I know those are the times you are down and need company. I'm not mad you talked with another guy late at night and that he sang to you until you fell asleep. If anything, when you told me that, I was mad at myself. Lately, everytime I wake up in the morning, I've felt like shit. Same thought every morning "...I fell asleep on her again...when..how?".."I wonder what she did after I fell asleep.." But like every morning, I'd start off texting you with a cheery mood pretending everything is fine...

I'm sorry. And I know sorry doesn't amount to anything by now. All those times I failed being there.

Last night, we finally had a long conversation. (even if I woke up with a bad headache) I liked it. I missed conversations like those. It's rare you would spill your heart out and that's only because I've been falling asleep. I realize what I've been missing. I always say that you have this shield up and you never let me in, but I'm here when you do. Except..I haven't been here. I imagine all those times I fell asleep on you, if I didn't..we might have had conversations similar to last night.

I know how lucky I am to have someone like you. I'm sure if it was any other girl, they would have given up on me by now because I wasn't there for them. Maybe that's why I've been having those dreams of you leaving. It's been in the back of my mind for awhile. I don't know how to fix this, but I try my hardest not to doze off..I really do suck.

So you just sent me your xanga page. I'm looking through it and it's like I'm going through your mind. No one can waver your affection for me? See, the thing is, I don't want to be that boyfriend where you only want to stay with because you wasted so much time and effort on already. Thinking that it'd be a waste to start anew with someone else, someone who doesn't have those bad habits. I want to be that boyfriend who can be your pillar, who can comfort and support you whenever you need it. For you to need to go to someone else for attention because I haven't been able to give it to you...I screwed up so bad.

I'll pick up my slack. I don't want to end nights halfway anymore, I don't want to wake up feeling shitty for what I did either. I don't want you to have to go to someone else for attention because I can't give it to you. I know these are just words, and if I don't show it to you, it'd just be bs. but I love you dear, you made this year special because you let me into your life. I won't screw that up. You deserve so much more.